Today marks the day I officially say “Fuck this shit!” in regards to my menstrual cycle.

I have been considering it for years. I deliberately got pregnant with my daughter to put off the hell that is my menstrual cycle. I’ve talked to other women about it. Many of them urged me to reconsider. They told me that I could make it better. I entertained the thought that MAYBE I would be okay. MAYBE I could accept my cycle. MAYBE it wouldn’t be so bad?

I looked up Hormonology. It seemed like a lovely thought so I downloaded the app. I tracked my fertility when I sensed that my breastfeeding days were nearly done. I read up on how to make things “better”.

And then today I felt the cramping of my pre-menstrual days. I felt the rage fill me. The exhaustion combined with the pain and the awful feelings of just being “blah” and not having a good time.

I tried the Red Raspberry Leaf Tea and popped the Vitamin E and the Ibuprofen just like the articles suggested I do in order to lessen the cramping.

So now instead of transition-like cramping I went down to early/active labour cramping. Yeah, no. That’s not good enough for me.

NO cramping is what I want. NO exhaustion. NO hormonal crappy feelings of not enjoying life!

So today when my son had to go to the doctor for his cough to get a refill of his inhaler and some medicine, I piggy-backed on that appointment. I asked for my birth control pill prescription.

I considered waiting until I actually GOT my period to start the pills, but then I had another few hours of cramps that made me want to kill everyone around me and stab out my own uterus. So I took the first pill.

The cramping has not gone away. I might still get my first period 2 years post-partum in a few days or this might just be a false alarm as my body prepares for it next month after my daughter’s birthday, just as it did with my son.

Except regardless of what happens, I know one thing for sure. It will NEVER happen again.

You can argue that I’m screwing with my hormones or that I’m messing up my body, or robbing myself of the “good” things of having my cycle. I won’t get that rush of energy in my Week 2, I won’t have a natural rhythm to my moods etc.

I get that it’s a sacrifice. I wish I could enjoy those things. I wanted to try to enjoy those things. I did download that app, after all. Unfortunately, my uterus is an irritable bitch and unless there’s a baby on board, she likes to torture me. So thank you, but no thank you. I don’t need a Diva Cup. I don’t need an app. I just need to not have to worry about my cycle anymore. I tried to do it a different way, I really did. You have no idea how much it sucks for me that I have to stop my cycle from even starting up again. I’m fascinated by what a woman’s body is designed to do and I wish I could study my own rhythms, but the reality is that this pain makes me cranky and stabby. This pain doesn’t go away no matter how many Ibuprofen I take pre-emptively. It doesn’t go away or lessen no matter how I alter my diet in the weeks leading up to it. My body isn’t trying to tell me to rest or slow down because I followed the freaking guidelines on how to handle each week and feed my body what it needs and yet here I still am in bed with a heating pad, wishing I’d just listened to myself and gotten the birth control last month instead of waiting and giving this whole cycle thing another try.

I stand by my original feelings regarding my period. It sucks, it’s painful, and I don’t want to do it anymore. If there’s a price to pay for not having another period, I’ll pay it when that time comes. But right now I have to think of what’s better for my kids, and my kids don’t need a rage-filled mom who can’t even get out of bed one week out of the month.