When I first got pregnant I had NO idea how many stupid comments, questions and unsolicited advice I was going to be putting up with. I also had no idea how many times I would be itching to say EXACTLY what was on my mind.  Despite the old adage to just “smile and nod” I haven’t the temperament to simply take every comment good naturedly, while laughing it off in a little Snow White giggle and smiling stupidly as if it’s the most clever/kind suggestion anyone’s ever made (that I totally haven’t heard a million times already). Well, I DO have that capacity, actually, but I can tell you that it is 100% FAKE! I don’t care who you are or how many kids you have or what your credentials are, and sorry, but it doesn’t even matter if you’re family or friend and I actually LIKE you. The fact is that I’m NOT Snow White (despite what you might assume from my fabulous Disney Princess-like singing voice) and even if I’m smiling, nodding, and responding good naturedly, I’m actually thinking something totally different in my head. #sorrynotsorry

So now I bring you…

The Sarcastic Answers to Stupid Comments and Questions

You’re so young/too young to be a mom!

I KNOW, right? I mean, I’m not really sure if you realize I’m almost thirty and were trying to pay me a compliment on how I totally haven’t aged AT ALL, or that I have a baby face, which was actually NOT so awesome when I was eighteen because I looked like I was twelve. Or are you questioning my maturity level or assuming that my husband has a child bride? I’m confused, which is it? And if it’s the first one, well thanks for telling me that not only do I NOT look like I’m turning thirty, but I still look like a child bride because as you said it, I look TOO YOUNG to be a mom. So I’m guessing that with most “average” moms being at least in their twenties by YOUR standards, I’m what? Fifteen? So either you think I’m a teen mom or you’re totally LYING about me being too young, OR you think I’m not mature enough to BE a mom. In any case, you’re not only wrong, you’re insulting in your assumptions.

You’re going to wean him SOON, right?/When are you going to wean him?/You know, he’s old enough to not NEED to nurse/etc

REALLY? You don’t say! I had NO idea that at some point I would have to wean my toddler off the boob just because YOU said so! I mean, it’s not like this is working for us or anything, or that I haven’t done any research, or even that my kid isn’t even 3 years old yet! But thank you SO much for simultaneously offering your opinion I didn’t ask for and judging me for a choice that literally has nothing to do with you. I mean, is he sucking on YOUR boobs too? I suppose you’re going to also tell me that if I don’t wean him NOW that he’ll still be pulling my boobs out of my shirt to nurse when he’s a teenager, right? But hey, didn’t you KNOW? I’m totally going to do this forever, just because it’s making you so uncomfortable and that’s why I’m doing it anyway. It’s not because it’s a magical way to get him to fall asleep/calm down/get extra nutrients when he’s sick or teething or just doesn’t feel like eating food today. Nope, it’s just because you find it so disconcerting! Mission accomplished.

I would never want a home birth or birth without drugs/ you’re crazy for wanting that/you should stop thinking about YOUR EXPERIENCE and do what is best for your BABY

Gasp! You mean I’m being totally selfish for wanting to avoid all the stress and interventions of the hospital? And YOU wouldn’t do it so that makes ME wrong for wanting it? Oh wow, am I ever mistaken for thinking I was an individual with my own wants, needs and experiences apart from yours. And clearly because YOU would rather birth with all the drugs and hospital procedures that means that I am just nuts to not do it that way. I mean, I was totally thinking how awesome it would be to die and what more dramatic way than to have it during childbirth where I get the chance to possibly take someone WITH me! And it’s not like I have done any research at all about anything; nope, I just came to this decision because I saw it on TV/read it in a book once and thought it sounded neat. But thank you SOOOO much for showing me the error of my ways.

He really needs to learn not to bite/hit/act out like that/Have you tried telling him NO/Why aren’t you disciplining him when he does that?

NOOOOOO, you mean the tantrum/abuse that my spirited toddler just demonstrated is NOT proper behavior and I should be correcting it? Okay, I was totally not at all aware that hitting and biting me and other people isn’t a good thing and I was just going to let him keep doing it, because hey, I looooove the searing pain that comes with sharp toddler teeth biting into my flesh! And those meltdowns and tantrums and the throwing of the toys? Yeah, I dig that soooo much. And hey, discipline isn’t something I believe in or even something I’ve tried AT ALL. Nope, I totally haven’t tried sitting him on the floor every time he bites, or telling him NO, or putting him in his room to scream for a minute or more, or you know, done ANYTHING to try to stop this behavior. Clearly I don’t know the first thing on how to discipline my kid and totally needed your input. Thanks.

He should really be sleeping by himself by now/He’ll never learn to sleep alone if you keep co-sleeping with him/You should sleep train; it worked so well for my kid(s)

You know, I was just sooo set on having him sleep next to me well into his teens that I never realized that what you’re saying makes more sense. Because clearly sleeping next to my toddler is forming all kinds of bad habits and I should just cut that sh** out right now! I guess you’ll be staying overnight on my couch and are committed to sleep training him for me? After all, if you’re soooo concerned about our sleep habits then I guess you’re also willing to make sacrifices so that I can continue to enjoy the sleep I’ve been getting due to my choice to co-sleep this long. So when can I expect you to start taking the night shift so I can do that?

When are you having another baby/you should give him a sibling

Well it’s funny you should mention that because my husband and I have been having sex at least once a month for quite a while, but I just haven’t managed to get pregnant yet. Do you think maybe we’re doing it wrong? Do you have a certain position in mind? I mean, the last time I got pregnant was soooo long ago, maybe I’ve forgotten how it’s done? Maybe it’s the fact that we’re doing it on the couch, yep, right where you’re sitting, actually…

Is he a good boy/He looks like such a little angel

NO, he really isn’t. And this is NOT me being sarcastic, but absolutely serious. The truth is that this kid puts me through hell most days because fun fact: he’s got a perfect blend of both my and my husband’s strong-willed temperament and it is EXHAUSTING. Yes, he’s soooo sweet right now. That’s because he doesn’t know you. He’s putting on the charm and it’s totally working, but you know, if you want to babysit I totally will take you up on that offer…and then laugh my ass off when my son has a meltdown as I walk out the door. Then I’ll smile like a maniac when you later tell me how “busy” he was and the more he gets to know you, the more he’ll act out, until one day you’ll be looking forward to the time when you get to hand him back to me. Trust me, it won’t take more than a week. Do I love him? YES. Is he draining? Hell yes. That’s why I do the things I do; it’s survival.

Did he eat anything today/what did he eat/did he have (insert certain meal)?

NOOOOO, I totally forgot that toddlers need to eat and so I’ve just been making food for myself all day. He can survive off of crumbs on the floor and water out of the cat’s bowl, right?

What time does he go to bed/wake up/go for a nap?

You mean I was supposed to strap him down to his bed at a set time every day and force him to sleep even if he’s not tired? And then, when he’s sleeping peacefully I’m supposed to wake him up from that sleep and say “sorry kid, doesn’t matter if you’re still tired and we have nowhere we need to be, it’s TIME TO GET UP, because someone else said so!”

You should use his naptime to get things done

You know, I never thought about that, like AT ALL! I just totally got into the habit of falling asleep next to him but you’re right, I don’t need sleep. I can totally keep my eyes open after spending all morning chasing this kid around the house and then trying to get him to burn off all that energy by going for a walk to the park. Yep, the first thing I should be doing after draining my energy levels is to burn off MORE energy I don’t have by getting the house cleaned while he naps. And you know, when he wakes up from that nap he will see all the things I’ve accomplished and think “wow, the house is clean now and Mommy worked so hard, so maybe I won’t throw all my toys around the house, pull clothes out of drawers, smear my snacks all over the table and floor or pour out all the water in my sippy cup.”

Well *I* managed to do it with *4* kids (or some variation of that)

You know what, that’s probably because you’re such an awesome and productive human being and I’m just so lazy and scatterbrained and probably don’t manage my time well at all! I’m just such a terrible mother to not be able to handle one little toddler AND get all my housework done AND still have time and energy for my husband AND keep my sanity AND not totally want to beat you over the head with one of my son’s toys that are all over the floor (as you so kindly have pointed out, because I hadn’t noticed my house looks like a toy store exploded).

Well, that’s your JOB (in reference to any daily household chore/responsibility in addition to caring for my toddler).

You don’t say? Because I was under the impression that I was staying home to let the toddler fend for himself and get into all manner of things while I watch TV and ignore his antics, and then proceed to let the magical cleaning fairies tackle the housework. But no, you’re right, this IS my job! So when are you going to pay me for all the hours I’ve put in? Do I get vacation time and health benefits or is that something I need to work extra for? And while we’re on the topic of this being my job, well, I think we need to discuss a raise because when I first took on this job there was only ME to look after and last year I got the same wage even though I had to also care for a tiny human that had to be in my arms constantly and ate several times a day, and NOW I have even MORE responsibility chasing after this tiny human who now has the capacity to get into everything, make messes faster than I can clean them and has started to scream at me for no reason (causing me to seriously consider going on stress leave), and I’m STILL only making zero dollars an hour for all my efforts and not getting the employee recognition and appreciation for it. So where’s the HR rep so I can file a complaint?

If you hadn’t left it out he wouldn’t have grabbed it/If you were watching him he wouldn’t have gotten into that

You mean I can’t just magically assume that you’re going to be the responsible adult and keep an eye on him? Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake. I guess I was too busy washing dishes/cleaning up/cooking dinner and didn’t realize that you were busy watching TV/doing some other crap that doesn’t matter and couldn’t keep an eye on the toddler for me; you know, considering you’re right there and could have moved that stuff yourself because he’s standing two feet from you.

I don’t understand; he NEVER hits or bites ME

That’s because he hates me. Also I’m a terrible mother and I totally taught him it was okay to bite and hit me, because I’m in a weird S & M relationship with my kid.

You should be taking him to more classes/mom groups

Really, you don’t say? You mean he’s not going to learn all the things pre-schoolers typically learn by observation unless I make an effort to take him to classes where he can terrorize…er, I mean PLAY, with other kids? And I can totally not worry that he’s going to act out because he doesn’t feel like being there that day, or I don’t. And you say that my plan to let him learn at his own pace because he’s not even 2 years old is flawed and if I don’t take him he’ll NEVER learn how to talk or read or write or say his ABCs and 123s? And he won’t know his colors either? Well didn’t you know? I am intentionally NOT taking him to those things because I want him to be stupid! I mean, I never went to those classes as a kid either and I probably should have because I never learned how to write and I can’t read and I think that white is gold and blue is black and that a circle is a square! Oh if ONLY my family members had made more of an effort to take me to actual classes instead of sitting down with me several times a day and reading books and having me point at the pictures, because clearly the fact that my son loves to bring me books to read is an indication of how very little he’s learning.

He needs to socialize with other kids

See, and here I was thinking that I’d just keep him locked in his room while my friend is visiting with her kid during our weekly playdate. After all, the whole point of her bringing her toddler along is so that he can play with all the cool toys by himself. It’s a sort of fun torture/experiment I’m conducting, you know, because I’m such a terrible mother and have no idea what’s best for my kid.

Have you thought of (insert whatever annoying parenting suggestion/tactic here)?

Of course I haven’t! That’s what YOU’RE here for, remember? I don’t think about anything at all and have NO idea what I’m doing. Heck, it’s a miracle my kid survives at all since I don’t know the first thing about keeping him alive and happy and well adjusted. In fact, if you weren’t here to give me all this unsolicited advice I’d probably have accidentally starved him or forgotten him in the middle of the parking lot and he’d never learn how to talk or interact with others. But thank god you’re here to make sense of this oh so confusing thing called parenting. I couldn’t possibly have figured it out on my own and you know all those books and articles on the internet about it all look like a bunch of lines and squiggles and funny shapes to me; I can’t make sense of ANY of it! And I can’t think for myself either, so you totally need to tell me what to think, too.

If you think THIS is hard, wait until you have more than one

And here I was under the impression that the first kid was going to raise the next one. Boy, I had NO idea that TWO would be harder than ONE.

Well *I* did (insert parenting strategy) and it worked for ME

That’s because I’m a crappy mother and you’re better than me. Don’t you just feel so special now?