Before I had kids I thought the Elf on a Shelf was a more expensive version of what my mom had done every Christmas the second the decorations came out. She had this creepy/cute little ceramic elf ornament and would set it on top of the entertainment unit or bookshelf and tell us that it was watching to make sure we were good. If we weren’t, the elf would tell Santa on us. This tradition kinda made sense, and it was easy enough to implement. Find christmas ornament of an elf (or in my case, a Santa) and put it on a shelf where the kid can see it. But that’s NOT what this Elf is. I mean, he COULD be, I guess, but all those super “fun” moms on Pinterest have upped the ante (again)! Somehow some overachieving Stepford Wife got it into her head to POSE the elf and then some other woman thought “hey, what if we did a new pose EVERY DAY?” and then the Pinterest moms ran with it and now every goddamn kid is going to wonder why their elf doesn’t do anything (or why they don’t have one).

Basically, by making this stupid thing so “common” all the Pinterest moms who started it have already made my Santa on the shelf look lame. Thankfully my son won’t know it’s lame until he goes to school, and by then he’ll be a non-conformist like his parents and will simply shrug and think our home is just different but no less special. After all, the other kids get a creepy elf watching them and WE get SANTA :p

Anyway, here are the many other reasons why The Elf on a Shelf isn’t happening

1) The Elf costs money. I took a look at them at Target and I refuse to pay over $10 for an ornament.

2) Creative as I may be, I just don’t have the time/energy/motivation. You’re supposed to come up with a new pose/scene for 25 consecutive days. In theory I could just look up all the poses on Pinterest, but then I’d feel like I was just copycatting other moms. I’m an individual, dammit!

3) I would need to REMEMBER to move the Elf every night. Half the time it’s a miracle if I can remember the usual stuff like taking the laundry out of the dryer/putting the load of dirty clothes in the washer/which basket of laundry is clean and which is dirty. Or if I even fed the cats (when I DID feed them that morning, but forgot that I did). One time I put garlic bread in the oven to enjoy with our dinner. I remembered to turn off the oven, but forgot the bread was still in there to keep warm. I found it the next morning and put it in the fridge, then forgot about it again for three days. Do you REALLY expect me to remember to move the elf to a new spot for 25 consecutive days?

4) Despite what the working moms would say, I have no time for this crap! I would need to hide this stupid elf after the kid/s are asleep. Now, assuming I don’t just fall asleep myself, as I am likely to do if my son decides to resist bedtime and I’m stuck lying next to him for hours, I would have to spend the very final hours of the evening coming up with stupid sh*t for the Elf and posing him. This is time I would rather spend with my husband, even if we’re just on the couch cuddling and watching TV. I also refuse to get up early in the morning to pose the Elf, because that’s sleep time I am missing out on. Also, when you cosleep everyone is basically on the same sleep/waking schedule, so while theoretically I could do this Elf thing with older kids, I would still have to START now to make it “tradition”.

5) My sense of humor is not kid-friendly. In my weaker moments of contemplating actually getting the Elf (like, maybe if it was super dirt cheap or given as a gift), my main reasons for it are not the reasons of a wholesome housewife. I know this because there are a lot of Naughty Elf pictures out there where the Elf is impaled on or playing with butcher knives, snorting icing sugar cocaine, having Barbie strippers/hookers and getting wasted with a giant bottle of vodka. These pictures amuse me more than the family-friendly ones. They give me ideas of having the Elf run over by my son’s toy cars, or being in front of a firing squad of GI-Joe’s, or getting eaten by a T-rex. You know, the really FUN stuff you shouldn’t do when you have kids. I can’t possibly resist such temptation to be bad, and neither could my husband. Unfortunately, I’m supposed to be setting a good example for my kids, which means that nobody would ever see the funny things I came up with unless I shared them on Pinterest, and I’m not about to do that.\

6) The Elf is Evil and Will Kill Us All in Our Sleep. At least that’s what I think about whenever I see that thing. I mean, LOOK at it!

That is totally the face of a serial killer doll. It reminds me of Slappy from Night of the Living Dummy. I’m just not a fan of dolls that creepy looking. So despite being a grown ass woman, the Elf is still a thing of nightmares for me, and I cannot guarantee not having one or two horrible dreams about the thing coming to life. After all, if I’m doing this for 25 consecutive days every year until my kids are old enough to figure out it’s me doing all the Elf Magic, then I’m going to end up dreaming about the damn thing at least once. My thoughts of the Elf would consume me.

7) I Already Have an “Elf”. The Santa on the shelf works just as well as the $20 Elf in that he’s watching to make sure children behave. He cost me nothing because he was already part of my collection of hand-me-down decorations. He doesn’t require me to move him anywhere because in this household Santa simply perches on the mantle in front of the TV, where he can watch everything that goes on. He doesn’t pose at all, which means I won’t be tempted to sling his arms around two naked ken dolls and sit Barbie on his lap like I would the Elf. While that means less fun for me, it also means that my kids won’t find out how twisted their mother’s sense of humor is until they hit middle school at the very least. And finally, the Santa doesn’t look like he could kill me in my sleep. He just sits on the mantle, all stiff and judgmental. No creepy smile or cartoon serial killer eyes and no moveable parts. If Santa were to suddenly come to life his limbs are at least fused to his body so he can’t DO anything, and if I really have to kill him all I have to do is knock him off the shelf and he’ll smash into little bits. But that Elf looks like if you cut off his arm or leg, he’d just pull himself along the floor and put himself back together, all the while rotating his head at a 360 degree angle…

Not to say that all you Elf fanatics are in danger or anything…but, you know, maybe lock your door and keep a light on just to be on the safe side 😉